Sometimes I wonder which of my feelings and emotions are my true
feelings. After being diagnosed with BPD, I am so confused about
everything. One minute I am happy as hell and loving everyone and the
next minute I want to punch everyone.
These mood swings are driving me nuts. The one thing that has stayed
constant in my life, my sexuality, is now in question and a major
concern. My body and mind are changing at a rapid pace and I am not
prepared to give up yet. So many things that came so easily for me are
now my biggest challenges and I'm exhausted.
Two years ago, I was in sub frenzy, ready to devote my life to my
Master. Now I barely feel competent enough to do that. He takes it in
stride and tries to be as understanding as possible, but I have
expectations for myself and I am failing miserably. How can I take care
of him when I am the one who needs to be taken care of?
Every day, hour, and minute is a challenge. I keep reminding myself
that I am safe and loved. There is no one left in my life to abuse me or
take advantage. No more friends for me push away because I'm too sick
to have healthy relationships. I often feel the people around me would
be better off if I wasn't around.
Master has given me so much love and support these past couple of
years and it's His love that keeps me going. But, I am so afraid that I
am going to become so exhausted and off balance that one day he will
realize how challenging our lives are going to be with me being mentally
ill.
I thought applying for medical assistance would be a step in the
right direction, but it's only proven to be an even bigger challenge.
I crave the day that I can enjoy my life again. Our amazing dungeon
sits empty most nights because I can't get into the right head space to
be submissive. As soon as I start feeling submissive, the fighter in me
comes punching it's way out as if I am fighting for my life. I need to
get back to that place where being submissive made me feel safe, not
helpless and weak.
My life has so much potential, but I just can't seem to grab a hold
of it with a tight enough grip to pull myself out of this rut. Spiraling
downhill without a rope to hold on to is a very scary feeling. You
never know if and when you are going to lose your mind. The things you
think you have control over are always staring you in the face as a
possible risk. What if I lost control?
Today has been an extremely challenging day. The simplest task of
finding the proper medical assistance has proven to not be simple at
all. After three hours of being turned down, I had to call the
psychiatric hospital for assistance. They responded with "I have no idea
who could help you with this situation, but we will call you back once
we know more."
I am not stupid, I'm sick! The state of mental health or health care
in general these days are a joke. My opinion of medical professionals
has taken a nose dive this year. And if you can't trust the
professionals, who can you trust?
I want anyone that knows me or someone else with a mental disorder
to know that we are out here doing our best to cope. Please be patient
and understanding.
Some of us don't want help or think we need it. Others want help and
can't find it. I don't wish this life for anyone. It's hell on Earth!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Corporate Slave to Sex Slave
In the last 2 years, my life has changed significantly. I've changed careers multiple times during what some might call and early mid-life crisis.
Two years ago I was sitting in a cubicle answering calls from pretentious fucktards who felt entitled to have their ass kissed. I wasn't very good at kissing ass, so I decided to suck dick instead.
My last year of employment was the longest year of my life. 2011 was a year of brutal challenges and life altering decisions. It was the best and worst year of my life.
Just shortly before walking off of my job in December 2011, I had walked out of an abusive marriage, and began my journey into the world of BDSM. Today, I am a very proud and crazy kajira (slave girl). My Master is the love of my life and my inspiration to change my future completely. His faith in me is the reason I am still alive.
Just shortly before meeting my Master two years ago, I was sitting in the parking lot of my apartment complex with a gun in my hand. A phone call to my Sister to say good bye was the last conversation I ever wanted to have with anyone, but somehow she made me realize that my life was worth living, even if I had to do it alone. Not one for being alone, I spent every free moment I had on Craig's List looking for strange men to scratch a desperate itch. You can read more about how I met my Master in previous blogs.
So much has changed since then. I've gone from being a corporate slave to an amateur porn star to a curvy courtesan, and now a full time slave. One might think this has been a downward spiral, but i beg to differ.
My dreams have come true. This is what I have always wanted to be. My need to feel needed and the desire to make people happy is something that has given me so much joy and sometimes heartache during such a tumultuous life. I love and hate with every fiber of my being and it has damn near ruined my life.
I suffer from a long family history of mental illness and it has been a roller coaster ride since the day I was born. Both Parents were negligent, but did the best they could under the circumstances. I haven't always been so understanding about it. But, a new revelation and a new diagnosis for my own mental illness has really opened my eyes. I am one crazy kajira, but a very wise one.
I am now diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Long story short, I am a victim of years of mental, physical, and sexual abuse. But, I am still here and still surviving. My life as a slave has literally saved my life and given me more purpose than any other role I've held in my 38 years.
Previous partners in my life have joked about me needing a guardian. I have a history of making stupid and impulsive decisions. Extreme mood swings will do that to you. I always thought I managed them quite well, but that was the irrational side of me trying to make sense of my actions.
I am now living with a very loving and supportive partner who holds me responsible for those actions, but tries to help me cope with the repercussions of them. He encourages my personal growth and development. Even if it means falling on my face to learn how to get back up again.
Simple daily chores are not so simple for a woman like me. I have very little memory and a crowded mind that limits multi-tasking of any kind. No employer would want to hire me because my moods swing so abruptly and intensely that I am not easy to manage at all. I need to be able to work at my own pace and being a slave to a loving Master allows me to do that.
My spreadsheets are now for our household finances, not call quality evaluations. My morning routine is preparing him for his day, not crying in the shower because I can't face my employees. being home during the day no longer makes me sick to my stomach because I've called off work for a mental health day. I'm here cleaning a home that I am proud of and taking care of those little things in life that we all take for granted.
I am living now. A real life with a real partner who knows the meaning of devotion and unconditional love. Being a slave doesn't have to be something inferior. I feel stronger, more confident, and more cherished now than I've ever been. This is the life I have chosen for myself and I hope it never ends.
Two years ago I was sitting in a cubicle answering calls from pretentious fucktards who felt entitled to have their ass kissed. I wasn't very good at kissing ass, so I decided to suck dick instead.
My last year of employment was the longest year of my life. 2011 was a year of brutal challenges and life altering decisions. It was the best and worst year of my life.
Just shortly before walking off of my job in December 2011, I had walked out of an abusive marriage, and began my journey into the world of BDSM. Today, I am a very proud and crazy kajira (slave girl). My Master is the love of my life and my inspiration to change my future completely. His faith in me is the reason I am still alive.
Just shortly before meeting my Master two years ago, I was sitting in the parking lot of my apartment complex with a gun in my hand. A phone call to my Sister to say good bye was the last conversation I ever wanted to have with anyone, but somehow she made me realize that my life was worth living, even if I had to do it alone. Not one for being alone, I spent every free moment I had on Craig's List looking for strange men to scratch a desperate itch. You can read more about how I met my Master in previous blogs.
So much has changed since then. I've gone from being a corporate slave to an amateur porn star to a curvy courtesan, and now a full time slave. One might think this has been a downward spiral, but i beg to differ.
My dreams have come true. This is what I have always wanted to be. My need to feel needed and the desire to make people happy is something that has given me so much joy and sometimes heartache during such a tumultuous life. I love and hate with every fiber of my being and it has damn near ruined my life.
I suffer from a long family history of mental illness and it has been a roller coaster ride since the day I was born. Both Parents were negligent, but did the best they could under the circumstances. I haven't always been so understanding about it. But, a new revelation and a new diagnosis for my own mental illness has really opened my eyes. I am one crazy kajira, but a very wise one.
I am now diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Long story short, I am a victim of years of mental, physical, and sexual abuse. But, I am still here and still surviving. My life as a slave has literally saved my life and given me more purpose than any other role I've held in my 38 years.
Previous partners in my life have joked about me needing a guardian. I have a history of making stupid and impulsive decisions. Extreme mood swings will do that to you. I always thought I managed them quite well, but that was the irrational side of me trying to make sense of my actions.
I am now living with a very loving and supportive partner who holds me responsible for those actions, but tries to help me cope with the repercussions of them. He encourages my personal growth and development. Even if it means falling on my face to learn how to get back up again.
Simple daily chores are not so simple for a woman like me. I have very little memory and a crowded mind that limits multi-tasking of any kind. No employer would want to hire me because my moods swing so abruptly and intensely that I am not easy to manage at all. I need to be able to work at my own pace and being a slave to a loving Master allows me to do that.
My spreadsheets are now for our household finances, not call quality evaluations. My morning routine is preparing him for his day, not crying in the shower because I can't face my employees. being home during the day no longer makes me sick to my stomach because I've called off work for a mental health day. I'm here cleaning a home that I am proud of and taking care of those little things in life that we all take for granted.
I am living now. A real life with a real partner who knows the meaning of devotion and unconditional love. Being a slave doesn't have to be something inferior. I feel stronger, more confident, and more cherished now than I've ever been. This is the life I have chosen for myself and I hope it never ends.
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