Sometimes I wonder which of my feelings and emotions are my true
feelings. After being diagnosed with BPD, I am so confused about
everything. One minute I am happy as hell and loving everyone and the
next minute I want to punch everyone.
These mood swings are driving me nuts. The one thing that has stayed
constant in my life, my sexuality, is now in question and a major
concern. My body and mind are changing at a rapid pace and I am not
prepared to give up yet. So many things that came so easily for me are
now my biggest challenges and I'm exhausted.
Two years ago, I was in sub frenzy, ready to devote my life to my
Master. Now I barely feel competent enough to do that. He takes it in
stride and tries to be as understanding as possible, but I have
expectations for myself and I am failing miserably. How can I take care
of him when I am the one who needs to be taken care of?
Every day, hour, and minute is a challenge. I keep reminding myself
that I am safe and loved. There is no one left in my life to abuse me or
take advantage. No more friends for me push away because I'm too sick
to have healthy relationships. I often feel the people around me would
be better off if I wasn't around.
Master has given me so much love and support these past couple of
years and it's His love that keeps me going. But, I am so afraid that I
am going to become so exhausted and off balance that one day he will
realize how challenging our lives are going to be with me being mentally
ill.
I thought applying for medical assistance would be a step in the
right direction, but it's only proven to be an even bigger challenge.
I crave the day that I can enjoy my life again. Our amazing dungeon
sits empty most nights because I can't get into the right head space to
be submissive. As soon as I start feeling submissive, the fighter in me
comes punching it's way out as if I am fighting for my life. I need to
get back to that place where being submissive made me feel safe, not
helpless and weak.
My life has so much potential, but I just can't seem to grab a hold
of it with a tight enough grip to pull myself out of this rut. Spiraling
downhill without a rope to hold on to is a very scary feeling. You
never know if and when you are going to lose your mind. The things you
think you have control over are always staring you in the face as a
possible risk. What if I lost control?
Today has been an extremely challenging day. The simplest task of
finding the proper medical assistance has proven to not be simple at
all. After three hours of being turned down, I had to call the
psychiatric hospital for assistance. They responded with "I have no idea
who could help you with this situation, but we will call you back once
we know more."
I am not stupid, I'm sick! The state of mental health or health care
in general these days are a joke. My opinion of medical professionals
has taken a nose dive this year. And if you can't trust the
professionals, who can you trust?
I want anyone that knows me or someone else with a mental disorder
to know that we are out here doing our best to cope. Please be patient
and understanding.
Some of us don't want help or think we need it. Others want help and
can't find it. I don't wish this life for anyone. It's hell on Earth!
